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By Rassam Fakour-Zaker
Know Your Money Editor

Even a barren-hearted curmudgeon such as myself can admit that there are some genuinely thoughtful and romantic gifts out there this Valentine's. A cursory trawl through eBay, however, will dredge up all sorts of cynical, useless and downright crap stuff being sold in the name of our most commercially-oriented made-up holiday.

Therefore, in an attempt to offer you some Valentine's money saving guidance, we present a selection of gifts to avoid when choosing the perfect present for your girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband/person you are stalking...


Diamond Dangle Earring
Jewellery is a staple Valentine's gift, and eBay is stuffed to bursting with romantic bling this year. However, among the perfectly adequate sparkly fare is this conspicuously phallic item.

Are they meant to look like male reproductive organs? Is the designer a sniggering teenage prankster? Sadly, we will probably never know, but I suppose you could always give her a pearl necklace to complete the ensemble.


Ultrasonic Slimming Massager
This Valentine's gift presents a problematic dichotomy by incongruously combining the romantically valid function of an electronic massager with the ego-sapping inappropriateness (not to mention the scientific dubiousness) of an "ultrasonic" slimming aid.

I'm sure the recipient's initial gratitude would quickly turn sour as you say, "I thought I'd get this for you, darling. You've been looking a little tense lately... and fat."


Lalique Valentine's Day Crystal Figurine
If this item was being correctly sold as a figure of the T1000 reforming after being frozen with liquid nitrogen recreated via the medium of crystal sculpture then it would be a perfectly acceptable gift for any sci-fi fan.

Advertised as a "Valentine's Figurine", however, it is a rather less successful amorphous glass blob that bears an unfortunate resemblance to a mutilated whale.


Water Bottle Signed by James Blunt
This Valentine's, an opportunistic James Blunt fan is selling an autographed bottle of Evian that the annoying You're Beautiful singer drank from onstage. It looks like it still contains some water and consequently, one can presume, some of his spit.

That being the case, it seems that the only valid reason that anyone should pay £20 ($32) for an item of such utter insignificance is to use it to scatter Blunt's DNA around a crime scene. That would shut him up for a while.


Personalised Bespoke Valentine's Poem
Ode to [insert name of partner here]
This is to show you how my love has grown
But I was too lazy to do it alone
So I paid someone to write
A poem that you'd like
So I can pass it off as my own.

You can have that for free - a handy saving of £12.99 ($20). You'll have to sort out the printing on "special personalised chocolate bars" yourself though.


Oak Deer Hoof Gun/Coat Rack
Ah yes, there's nothing quite as romantic as a pair of nightmarish "freshly harvested" deer hoof gun rack-cum-coat hooks. Not only are these gifts practical and aesthetically pleasing, but there's a kind of natural beauty in the notion of turning an animal into an accessory for the method of its own death - a notion that will surely fill your partner with love and happiness every time they hang up their gun/coat.


Twilight Necklace
Nothing expresses eternal love more succinctly than some tacky cash-in merchandise from a rubbish, ephemeral teen craze.

I think it's logical to assume that those purchasing this item for their partner for Valentine's Day are either a) under 16 years old, or b) going out with someone who is really annoying. (Just kidding, Twilight fans).


Aleksandr Meerkat Valentine's Mug
Don't get me wrong - we think Compare The Market offers a great service - but their ubiquitous ad campaign (along with Go Compare's and Confused.com's) has outstayed its welcome. And I say this not just for the sake of British TV audiences: if Aleksandr's bewilderingly successful cultural invasion continues much longer, we can expect an equally ruthless meerkat backlash resulting in a mass cull that will devastate global populations of this once-respected species. (People who think it's amusing to say "simples" take note: your days are numbered too).


Quantum Scalar Energy Pendant
This Valentine's Day express your affection with pseudo-science. Actually, "pseudo-science" gives this item too much credence, but since we are a respectable website I couldn't write "bullshit".

This "100% genuine" talismanic necklace harnesses quantum physics and "nano-fusion technology" to protect your loved one and boost their wellbeing. Gullible partners will certainly be impressed by the pendant's ability to "enhance cellular permeability", "protect DNA from damage" and "promote unclumping of cells" - that's "unclumping", in case you missed it.


Deep Space Personal Message Transmission
This item, advertised as "The most romantic Valentine - a message into eternity", is being sold by a British company that specialises in transmitting personal messages into space via radio telescope.

At first glance this may seem like a touching symbolic gesture. However, if the first messages to reach extra-terrestrial sentient life are a barrage of poorly written, vomit-inducing love poetry, then we can expect alien invasion sooner rather than later. So, before you click the "buy it now" button just consider for a moment whether you really want your cringe-worthy rhyming couplets to bring about the annihilation of the human race. Thought not.


Have you seen any rubbish Valentine's gifts out there this year? Or did you buy/receive one of the items above? Let us know in the comments thread below.

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